Writing is like painting, only with imaginary colours. Here are some stories I have written. Some are fiction, some are non-fiction, and some are smutty. If you enjoy them at all, or even if you don't, please write me and let me know what you thought or felt or saw. Fan mail is fun mail.

NON-FICTION

• Dancing For Votes
  Watching politicians dance on stage is incredibly entertaining. Here's a six part description of the centretown candidates meetings for the last federal election.
  
  
• English Is Winning
  Last year my brother Fred and I went to an "Anglophone Rights" meeting, and listened to senior citizens be scared and racist. Then I stole a book.
  
  
• My Neighbour's Orgasm
  There's a creative way to tell your neighbour he's playing his stereo too loud, one that will work every time. That is, if you're an actor as great as me.
  
  
• A Brief Moment of Honesty
  Bruce quit his job and hitchhiked across Canada. One ride he got was from the living dead. Bruce is a good friend of mine, and is full of interesting stories. Expect more tales of Bruce.
  
  
• The Haircut
  The second Bruce story in a series of stories that will someday be a book. Bruce needs a haircut, and he can't do it all by himself. The adventures of shaving your friend's head.
  
  
• Fired
  A woman I met at work got fired. I watched it from less than five feet away. Then I wrote down the details.
  
  
• Breaking Into The Art World
  The true story of how I spoke to a gallery owner about my paintings. He explained to me how to achieve success. Life's lessons suck. Do you know where I can get a good tux, cheap?
  
  

FICTION

• The Way of the Stomach
  A tin labelled unicorn. A powerful grocery store manager. A stomach with a mind of its own. Or, to be more honest, a story exploring my issues with food.
  
  
• The Shark Bus
  Complications arise when a company builds a living vehicle that turns out to be more than it seems. A little bit horror, a little bit sci fi, but mostly a dreamy bit of oddity than squirted out of my head.
  
  
• The Hug That Never Ends
  A humourous, Kafka-esque story about alienation and TV commercials. Victoria's marriage is on the rocks. For one thing, her husband no longer has a heartbeat.
  
  
• Barry Conquers Himself
  This story features blood and sex, and is not suitable for children. And it's not exactly erotica, either. The sex is unpleasant. Written many years ago, I recently found the story while cleaning up some files, read it over, and liked it. So here it is.
  
  
• The Last Job
  Robbing liquor stores is no way to earn a living, but you gotta do what you've gotta do. It's a good thing some people can understand you, even when you're at your worst. This story was published in "The Vincent Brothers Review" many moons ago. It's probably one of my "cleanest" stories -- in every sense of the word.
  
  

POETRY

• A Bunch of Short Poetry
  I enjoy writing haiku. There's something more honest about a short little poem you can suck on for a while. Here's a collection of tiny poems I wrote and posted on Usenet.
  
  

SMUT -- FOR ADULTS ONLY!

• Sex Objects
  You won't be able to get off using this story, unless you are a very odd person. It's a satirical science fiction porn story, featuring a toaster. I don't know why toasters are a prime subject matter for humour, but they are. I sent this story out to a "men's magazine" for publication. They politely turned me down. I can't say I was surprised.
  
  
• Laundry Room Lust
  This is a straight porn story -- nothing fancy. Set in a student residence, it's pure wank material. Maybe it's a fun read too. I don't know. Like all porn stories, it's over the top. It's my experience that well-written porn can be read two ways -- as pure comedy, or pure smut. All porn is inherently ridiculous.